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SECOND CITY THIS WEEK

www.secondcitythisweek.com/

May 12, 2012

Wash U students are paying overweight participants in an obesity study $3500 to gain weight. The students are majoring in irresponsibility.

 

DAVID FELDMAN PODCAST

 

There are reports from Democrats that members of the Tea Party are attempting to suppress the Minority Vote next Tuesday. By Minorities, they mean Blacks, Latinos, and Republicans showing signs of humanity.

 

Focus on the Family, the Christian right advocacy group, says that anti-bullying campaigns in schools are nothing more than a front for Gay Rights. If that’s true, how do you explain gay bullies like Ken Mehlman?

 

Vanity Fair reports Sara Palin is a horrible tipper. Specifically, she tend to skip out halfway through the meal.

It also says she uses Spanx and Pushup bras. She even nicknamed her breasts “Family” and “Values.”

 

Australia now has its first female Prime Minister. Her first decision for the country: From now on, ladies drink free!

 

Eliot Spitzer will host a one-hour prime-time talk show on CNN this fall. The program will be co-hosted by Pulitzer Prize winning columnist, Kathleen Parker, and Spitzer says he’s really looking forward to paying her for sex.

 

 

TOP STORY! WEEKLY

A North Carolina man desperate for medical insurance robbed a bank just so he would get arrested and get health care in prison. Commented the man: “I've learned my lesson: crime does not pay. But it does have health benefits.”


 

According to the National Institutes of Health, high exposure to formaldehyde can cause cancer. This is seen as disastrous news for the nation’s cadavers.

 

On Thursday, the Today Show interviewed an American woman who awoke from a dental procedure speaking in a British accent. People can tell she's not British, however, because she's had a dental procedure.

 

On Wednesday, President Obama finally released a full-length version of his birth certificate, proving he was born in Hawaii. In response, birthers now want Hawaii to prove that it really is a state.

 

 

Southwest Airlines has grounded more of its fleet after inspections found cracks of the type that caused a hole to rip in the roof of a Sacramento-bound flight last week. On the bright side, Southwest’s new ad campaign touts that their cabins now feature extra head room.


Will and Jayden Smith will co-star in the next movie directed by M. Night Shyamalan. The shocking surprise: M. Night Shyamalan can still get a green light to make a movie.

 


An April Fools’ prank sent a Maryland man to the hospital after his buttocks became super-glued to a Wal-Mart bathroom toilet seat. The man was embarrassed about the incident, as he was terrified that people would find out he shopped at Wal-Mart.


The FBI is assisting in several robbery cases at Apple stores. So far, clues are leading them towards suspects who are smug about how much smarter they are than PC thieves.


AT&T announced this week that they plan to buy T-Mobile in a deal that would make them the nation’s largest wireless carrier. To acquire T-Mobile, AT&T will drop thirty-nine billion dollars – the same number of calls they dropped this month.

 

Two and a Half Men executive producer Chuck Lorre says he is looking at options to replace the fired Charlie Sheen and keep the show running. Added Lorre: “And to fans of Two and a Half Men, I make this promise: no matter who we get to replace Charlie, the show will continue to be not funny.”

 

A Democratic congressman defeated the computer Watson in a mock game of Jeopardy on Tuesday. It's likely to be the only contest a Democrat wins until 2016.

 

A new government study says that eating more fiber could mean a longer life. Unfortunately, you’ll spend all that extra time pooping.

 


A Midwestern convenience store chain is suing Subway restaurants over use of the term “footlong.” If Subway loses the case, they plan to make up their losses by suing every city with an underground train system.
 

 

The Japanese Sumo Association has canceled a big tournament in Japan as it copes with a match-fixing scandal. Said a sumo official: “We began to suspect that the matches were fixed when several giant Sumo champions were defeated by Mary-Kate Olsen.”


A new study shows that marijuana use may speed the development of psychosis. So score one for the makers of “Reefer Madness.”
 

 

93-year-old mob boss John “Sonny” Franzese was sentenced to eight years in prison on Friday after being convicted of extortion. Commented Franzese: “Yeah, they sentenced me to eight years, but I'm hoping they'll shorten it to life.”


California Governor Jerry Brown has ordered 48,000 state employees to return their government-issued cell-phones. State employees could not be reached for comment.

 

On Monday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad fired his foreign minister, Manouchehr Mottaki. Mottaki was dismissed after Ahmadinejad learned that he hates America only just a little.

 

On Wednesday, Japan announced that a spacecraft it had launched failed in its mission to achieve orbit around Venus. But it did take pictures during the whole trip.

 

 

A couple in Mexico got married last week at a McDonald’s. The couple had an eight-layer wedding cake, made of two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onion, on a sesame seed bun.

 

The trapped Chilean miners celebrated their country’s bicentennial this weekend when they were supplied a traditional holiday meal, except for red wine. Rescue workers refused to send the men wine, since they don’t serve alcohol to miners.

 

“Playboy” has launched a “safe for work” website that doesn't contain any nudity. As of today, the site has already gotten zero hits.

 

On Friday, the House passed a defence bill with an amendment that would overturn the military's policy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Instead, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” will be the policy used when confirming Supreme Court Justices.

    

 

On Thursday, Pope Benedict XVI called same-sex marriage one of the most dangerous threats in the world today. In response, members of al-Qaida have begun planning a string of gay weddings.

 

 

An Associated Press poll found that 1 out of 3 married women say that their pets are better listeners than their husbands. Commented one of the pollsters:
“Yeah, these women said their pets were better listeners, and then they rambled on, something, something, blah, blah, blah, I don’t know what they were saying – you know how ladies are!”

 

The manager of a Detroit strip club was arrested after it was discovered that a girl working as a dancer was only 14 years old. Said the manager: “Honestly, I didn’t know she was so young. She was just like all the other dancers: she was pretty, she wore a lot of makeup, and she had a seventh grade education.”

 


On Tuesday, the licensing rights to the comic strip “Peanuts” were sold to Iconix for $175 million. Commented an Iconix spokesperson: “Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah. Wah-wah wah-wah.”
Good grief.

 


Prince Charles’ wife, Camilla, broke her leg on Thursday while hiking in Scotland. Rather than let the poor creature suffer, Prince Charles put her down.

 

After Monday's space shuttle launch, four women were in space simultaneously for the first time ever. At least until their menstrual cycles synch up and they kill each other.

 

A school district near Philadelphia allegedly issued students laptop computers with webcams in order to spy on them. Students now understand why their homework assignment was to walk around the house naked.


Ronald Howes, Sr., the inventor of the Easy Bake Oven, died Tuesday at the age of 83. His remains will be cremated using a single light bulb.

 

The ACLU is suing a Mississippi school system that cancelled a senior prom to prevent a lesbian student from wearing a tuxedo and bringing a same-sex date. Responded the head of the school board: “We won’t stand for that kind of perversion. It’s just plain unnatural to date someone who’s not your cousin!”



A NASA science team looking for animal life beneath 600 feet of Antarctic sheet ice found a shrimp-like amphipod. The discovery by the NASA team raises an important question: What the hell does this have to do with Space?



Former president Bill Clinton had two heart stents put in Thursday after suffering chest pains. Clinton has assured supporters that with the stents in place, he’ll have no trouble getting blood flowing to his penis.


American car companies hope to see an increase in sales as a result of the bad publicity Toyota faces due to safety problems in most of its models. General Motors notes that customers won’t have any problem stopping a GM car. In fact - most of the time, their cars won’t even start!


Gary Coleman pled guilty Monday to a misdemeanour charge of domestic violence. Coleman had hoped to bring the case to a higher court, but couldn’t reach it.


Italian authorities are upset over McDonald's new McItaly burger, calling the sandwich an inaccurate portrayal of the nation's culture. Explained an Italian official:  "It’s bad enough that McDonald’s has the McItaly burger. But then, we find out that Burger King has a sandwich called the Whopper!"


A Scottish prosthetics expert was fired Thursday for putting a left leg on a patient who needed the right. Said the doctor:
“As a result of this mistake, they’ve taken away my left to practice. I mean-my right to practice?"

"I guess it’s true what they say – ‘Two lefts don’t make a right!’”
 

 

A Mercedes stolen from Charlie Sheen’s home on Friday was found shortly afterwards overturned at the bottom of a nearby cliff. The Mercedes hopes to reconcile with Charlie and claims that the whole thing was its fault and that it just fell down the cliff because it’s so clumsy.


The AARP says that sexting has become as popular among seniors as it is among young people. The claim was subsequently confirmed by the Institute for Disgusting Studies.

 


A 12-year-old New York City girl was handcuffed and arrested by police for writing on her school desk with an erasable marker. Ironically, the arrest will go on her permanent record. 

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have suggested that, for Groundhog Day, a robotic groundhog replace Punxsutawney Phil. The suggestion was immediately denounced by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Robots.

 

A man who removed his clothes and began jogging naked near the White House was taken into custody by Secret Service Wednesday. They brought the naked man in to us for psych evaluation. They took one look at him and told him, “We can see you’re nuts.”

 


People in China are stocking up on garlic to protect themselves from the H1N1 flu virus, despite the lack of scientific proof that garlic prevents the flu. On the plus side, China has had no recent reports of vampire attacks.

 

Civil rights attorney Percy Sutton, best known as the lawyer for Malcolm X, has died at the age of 89. He will be remembered… by any means necessary.

 


Two men from Argentina became Latin America’s first legally married gay couple on Monday. It was the most exciting event for gay Argentineans since Madonna agreed to play Evita.

 


Comedian Ken Ober, best known as the host of MTV’s game show Remote Control in the late 1980’s, died at the age of 52. In tribute to him, MTV will actually play a music video.

 

NASA said Friday that last month’s experiment smashing 2 probes into the moon’s surface has resulted in proof of significant amounts of water in the moon’s craters. As a result, astronauts cannot go onto the moon’s surface for an hour after they eat.

 

The CDCP reports that smoking has risen in the U.S. for the first time in 15 years. To lower the rate, the government will try to get the cast of Mad Men to finish filming their scenes in fewer takes. 

Scientists are saying that a fungus is causing the world’s frog population to become extinct. Also causing their extinction is the fact that they keep trying to reproduce with Miss Piggy. 

 In Pittsburgh, the latest G-20 economic summit was met by at least several hundred protesters. The usual marches and chants were angrier than past summits, because this time the protesters had to come to Pittsburgh.


An Arkansas woman and her husband discovered that she got pregnant while already pregnant for 2-and-a-half weeks, which is extremely rare. Even less common, however: the Arkansas couple discovered they are not brother and sister.

 


Prince Charles is urging the people of Great Britain to walk or use public transportation to get to work. Charles pointed out that he never drives to work, mainly because he doesn’t have a real job. 


In Indonesia, a woman gave birth to a 19.2 lb. baby boy. She has decided to name him “I Hate You.”

Congressman Joe Wilson apologized Thursday for heckling President Obama during a speech to Congress by calling him a liar.  Wilson defended his actions by claiming that he really believed Obama's pants were on fire. 

Michelle Duggar, the mom from 18 Kids and Counting, is pregnant with her 19th child. Duggar may set a world record, for the number of kids and for being able stand up straight and have her vagina touch the floor. 

 

Brownie, a cat who drifted away from his home, returned with a 13-inch arrow stuck through its head. A vet removed the arrow and the cat is fine, except that he’s being sued for infringement by Steve Martin.

 

 

In suburban Memphis, 31 high school students are being charged for organizing and participating in a Fight Club. Of course, that’s nothing compared to what’s going to happen to them for talking about Fight Club.
 

In Vermont, a transgendered teenager is campaigning to have all public high school bathrooms be genderless. In support, all the teen boys want co-ed locker rooms.

 

Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy, a member of the Senate since 1962, died Tuesday at the age of 77. In Kennedy’s honor, employees in all federal buildings will wear their pants at half-mast. 

Democrats are hailing him as a hero, and Republicans are trying to look sad so as not to appear insensitive. 

An Arizona science teacher who picked up a McDonald’s breakfast-to-go on his way to school found a live baby scorpion in the bag with his Egg McMuffin. The school was concerned because the sting of a scorpion is almost as serious a health risk as eating an Egg McMuffin.

 

A 20-year study published in the journal Science indicates that consuming fewer calories may slow the aging process. In a related story, Mary-Kate Olsen is actually aging backwards.

An anti-meat advocacy group called The Cancer Project says hot dog packaging should have warning labels because of their hazards to people’s health. The labels would say: “Warning: contains all the stuff that goes into hot dogs.” 

Molly Ringwald gave birth to twins last Friday, a boy and a girl. Assuming Molly nurses the babies, from now on her breasts are to be known as The Breakfast Club.

A Connecticut man was picked up by police after allegedly coming to his dentist’s office naked. The good news is, the dentist only saw one cavity.

 

Amy Winehouse, who faced charges of punching a fan in the face, testified in a London court Thursday that she was too short to have punched the woman. By which she meant “short on booze.”

An armed robber making a get-away on foot was chased down and caught by 2 nuns, who then called 911 and waited for police. The robber had a gun but was outmatched because the nuns had a ruler.

BIG NEWS, April 2009

A long-term study released this week shows that business executives who decide to make layoffs and do the actual firings suffer from stress, loss of sleep, and even health problems. In a related story, good!

 

"THE MEN'S CLUB" Stand-up Comedy performance; Los  Angeles, February 2009

I remember when my wife was pregnant, how tough that was. The discomfort, the weight gain, the crying.  But enough about me.

 

CHABAD "TO LIFE" TELETHON, September 2008

Welcome to the 2008 Chabad telethon... This is the only telethon that has been going 28 straight years without a single wardrobe change!

 

A lot of people work very hard to put on this telethon. And do you know why they’re willing to be on their feet without food, drinks, or rest for these six straight hours…they’re training for Yom Kippur.

 

The U.S. had three Jewish swimmers on the Olympic swim team. They were also the only swimmers who’s mothers wouldn’t let them go in until an hour after they ate.

 

We are deep in the middle of a presidential election and (it's a) tight race between Barack Obama and John McCain. I’m not saying McCain’s old, but he is the first candidate to ever WALK for president.
 

 

 

THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, 2001 - 2005

Mattel announced today that they are coming up our with a Cher doll. It's going to be very life-like. Just like the real thing, lips, nose, breasts, and ass are sold seperately.

 Northwest Airlines has suspended the use of all powdered coffee creamer and artificial sweeteners on all flights, because they could be mistaken for anthrax.  They've also suspended all in flight meals, because they could be mistaken for food.

 Red Dragon, the new Hannibal Lechtor movie, is number 1 at the box office...  The other day Hannibal wanted to have a shish-ka-bob, but Bob never showed up.